What To Do If You Poop Your Pants In Public

Shit happens all the time – in the middle of an intimate conversation, in a crowded room, while on public transportation. But it’s the personal reaction of the shitter themselves that will determine whether he gets out unscathed.

Peanut asked me the other day, “Dad, when shit happens to me at the most inopportune times what will your advice on what to do do?”

I responded with, “Hah, you said ‘do do.’

Okay okay no more poop jokes, what are we talking with babies here or something?

In all seriousness the first thing to keep in mind next time you’re in a sticky situation is to stay calm. No one else yet knows of what dwells below. Chances are you will be able to escape without them even being aware. Just play it cool.

If shit happens during a business meeting, stare intently at Bill’s chart of this quarter’s report and don’t panic. As hard as it may sound, maintain eye contact and have a strong will. You will survive this traumatizing event.

Next step is to plan the getaway. Call me paranoid but whenever I go to a restaurant I take the lessons I learned from Godfather with me. Don’t sit with your back to the bathroom and always expect unexpected attacks from the bathroom to occur.

Now when Peanut and the Gang go on a family outing, we always face the exits and have a bathroom in sight. But what if said bathroom is in a restaurant with no changing table. Even if you do make it to the bathroom you’re still up shits creek (last one I swear).

When a loved one shits their pants in public, it’s your duty (okay that’s the last one) to help with moral support in any way you can…or be a distraction. Prior to social events, create a hand signal that says, ‘IT’S HAPPENING’ and have an established escape plan. A wonderful distraction would be to subtly go open the bathroom door and immediately yell, “There’s a troll in the dungeon!!!!” And while every eye in the place falls upon a perfectly scripted distraction your loved one escapes to live another day (and find new shorts).

Once you make it out of said restaurant (fresh air thank god), find the nearest store and buy the first pair of pants you see. Now the most reliable spot to make a diaper change is the car – whether it’s yours or your baby’s. It takes some skill getting used to the angled seats, but the car is private and quiet in case someone starts to cry (usually me).

Expect the unexpected and follow my advice if ever caught in a stinky predicament.

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